My forever pup

Now you’re our angel watching us from above instead of watching us eat our food from the living room floor.

17.09.11, The day you came to us was a day I’ll never forget. I saw something wriggling on mums lap, I asked her if it was a cat. She laughed at me, I walked closer to find your little face buried in the blanket of my mother’s arms. You were this tiny little pup, cute as ever. And you became our world. We taught you so many little things, but the one thing you did not do was bark. We never understood why, but you were still perfect to us. You’re life in our home was adventure, you had so many people come and play with you, you loved every toy you got. You ripped the stuffing out of all the ones you could. And you loved going on walks especially to the park or the woodland area around where we lived. You would snuggle into anywhere you could fit and you loved being snuggled up to your family. You never did really sleep in your bed, you always sneaked into everyone else’s instead. Walking up to you laying beside me or at the bottom of the bed. You use to crawl up and just flop next to me, and roll over as much as you could. You were such a snuggly little pup. You loved getting attention.

I remember the day you first barked, we were all so shocked. As you grew you always barked at the postman/women, really you barked at anyone you could, even a car going past. You knew when we were upset, you would come and trying to cuddle up to show that you were there, you knew when we were sick and you knew when we were happy.

You were my favourite dog and the only dog that took a piece of my heart, I love you with everything I have.

We moved house, and You started getting sick but we couldn’t really figure out why, the vets couldn’t find anything. Unfortunately Christmas Day 2019 was the day you grew your wings and learnt how to fly. Unfortunately that was the day god decided to take our angel away. You served this family well princess, you’re were our little warrior. 8 years of loving fun with you. You’ll always have a piece of my heart, you’ll always be my forever pup

She said,

“I give up, this feeling is making my warm heart go cold” but her heart hugged her mind and said “not yet, love. There is more to this than giving up on someone you love. I need you to believe in me, my precious mind. The same way I’ve always believed in you, keep fighting mind, for I the heart of her is not going cold just yet”

Madness of my mind

A heart that always understands, also gets tired. There are moments when I’m tired and all of a sudden I’m not the sleepy kind of tired, It’s like the world has drained me for everything I had. I am strong but I am tired.

I’m tired of feeling unworthy. I’m tired of feeling ugly.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have many people around me.

I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of feeling unloved.

I’m tired of pretending I’m happy, when all I do is cry, I guess you could say I’m tired of trying to be stronger than I am because what doesn’t kill you, fucks you up mentally. Tears are words that the heart can’t speak. It’s like some days I feel like my batteries are running low and other days they are dead completely.

I’m somewhere between i should give up and and let’s see how much more I can take. I haven’t given up yet, maybe there’s some logical reason that I haven’t. Maybe in the end all the tiredness will be worth it.

 

Erratic Emotions

My eyes itch from crying, My body feels like dying,

My heart keeps on trying, My mind thinks I’m lying,

I wish I could keep flying, It’s all about timing,

What am I Implying, Maybe I should keep fake smiling,

I know It’s horrifying, maybe even terrifying,

I’m always sighing, It’ll be justifying,

Also clarifying, The reason I’m always fighting,

Don’t worry I’m gonna keep shining, because I’m rising,

It’s so glorifying.

you, me and a few text messages

Did he really mean what he said? Did he really see there being an “us”? Why did he go so soon?

These questions roaming my mind, getting jealous before I can even officially call him mine. Catching feelings not knowing if it was mutual. A day in you’re arms was all I thought about.

See the thing is you expressed your feelings to me too quickly before you turned your back. Little did you know I already had, still do have feelings for you. But after a while replies becomes longer, minutes turned into hours. Finding out that your “busy” is taking your attention to someone else. While I sit there and wait for that reply, someone else already has it. Mean while I’m fading away, and that girl is getting your attention.

There was never going to be an “us” was there?

There was just you, me and a few text messages.

When will you realise

Do I protect my heart from being crushed more times than I can handle and let go?

Or do I continue being treated like I’m not even part of your life?

Either way it’s going to break my heart, but if I let go then maybe I won’t keep getting my hopes up.

Maybe I will realise I’m worth more than how you treat me

This whole year I’ve seen you 3 times.

When will you start acting like … or maybe I’m just dreaming of that happening.

Letting go of being part of your life would start so much grief and trouble that I’ve been doubting it for months. But each time you let me down it gives me more and more reasons to let go…

Each time you give me a reason to believe you don’t deserve me

You don’t deserve me constantly trying to be a apart of your life

You don’t deserve me at all

Hell did you even want me?

Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve done. What you’ve lost. Who you’ve lost.

Constantly saying sorry

I get treated like crap because what I’m trying to better myself and not feel like I’m worthless and a piece of shit. Yet people are constantly proving me wrong and showing me I am worthless. And then when I treat them the way they treat me they don’t like it and I get even more shit for it.

I’m constantly saying sorry even though I’m not in the wrong.

Well I’m fucking sorry my depression is getting worse, I’m sorry that my anxiety is pretty fucking high most days. Im sorry I have paranoia. I’m not healthy due to allergic. I’m sorry I constantly want to not be here because people make me feel this way. I’m sorry I have so many different emotions yet all I show is anger because that’s all I know, because it over takes the happy days, the days where I feel that I am worth something before someone takes me down proving I’m worthless

Misery that I call my existence

Found a jar of peanut butter hidden. I’m allergic to mostly all nuts so having anything with nuts in isn’t allowed, due to how bad my allergies are to them. Which is why it was hidden in a place I wouldn’t really look.

All that was running through my head was how if I ate it when no one was around that no one would be able to save me.

How badly I wanted to just end my existence and stop the thoughts in my head. The constant struggle of my life and how I don’t want to be here anymore.

The constant worry that I’m not good enough, the thoughts and flash backs of things I don’t really want to remember. The way I can’t feel anything, how I try to love my hardest to the people who constantly show me that I’m putting in all the effort and watching them laugh at me as they sit back and completely forget I’m even alive.

They should notice, they should care. They should be here standing by my side. Yet they treat me like I’m nothing, just as always. I got treated like that in school but I never thought these people would treat me this way. I constantly worry that I’ll never be good enough to be in their lives.

I want to need this misery that I call my life, I want to end the pain, the struggle, the worth that I don’t have

Nervous yet scared

I’m nervous yet scared that it will all go bad and you’ll leave for good. But I’m relieved that you may still care. But I’m scared that you don’t care enough.

I sit in silence because I’d rather keep my feelings in my mind than telling anyone that I’m hurting, that I can’t sleep because of the feelings that you made me feel, the sleepless nights of nightmares and memories. I cry because I want you in my life. I want you by my side every step of the way.

I try and try to be apart of your life but you’re doing good without me, you always have done and you always will do. You’ve got the people you need, but yet where does that leave me standing?

When your name pops up on my phone my heart beats a million times faster than it should, I fear that it’ll be something I don’t want to read but I’m alway waiting for it to be you saying you want to be in my life.

You’re suppose to be in my life, but not like this

The feeling

It will never go away,

That feeling of wanting to run,

That feeling of heartache,

That feeling of being worthless,

Because little does everyone know,

I’m breaking inside,

The feeling that I’m worthless,

The heartache,

Wanting to run,

I’ve tried,

I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece.

Underneath it all, I still have that hole inside,

I just need a little more time.