“I give up, this feeling is making my warm heart go cold” but her heart hugged her mind and said “not yet, love. There is more to this than giving up on someone you love. I need you to believe in me, my precious mind. The same way I’ve always believed in you, keep fighting mind, for I the heart of her is not going cold just yet”
A heart that always understands, also gets tired. There are moments when I’m tired and all of a sudden I’m not the sleepy kind of tired, It’s like the world has drained me for everything I had. I am strong but I am tired.
I’m tired of feeling unworthy. I’m tired of feeling ugly.
I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have many people around me.
I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of feeling unloved.
I’m tired of pretending I’m happy, when all I do is cry, I guess you could say I’m tired of trying to be stronger than I am because what doesn’t kill you, fucks you up mentally. Tears are words that the heart can’t speak. It’s like some days I feel like my batteries are running low and other days they are dead completely.
I’m somewhere between i should give up and and let’s see how much more I can take. I haven’t given up yet, maybe there’s some logical reason that I haven’t. Maybe in the end all the tiredness will be worth it.
My eyes itch from crying, My body feels like dying,
My heart keeps on trying, My mind thinks I’m lying,
I wish I could keep flying, It’s all about timing,
What am I Implying, Maybe I should keep fake smiling,
I know It’s horrifying, maybe even terrifying,
I’m always sighing, It’ll be justifying,
Also clarifying, The reason I’m always fighting,
Don’t worry I’m gonna keep shining, because I’m rising,
It’s so glorifying.
Ever wondered what it would be like to be in a never ending maze?
That’s the best way to describe my mind as if I’m stuck repeating the same mistakes everyday. Wherever I’ve been, where ever I am, the loudness constantly screeches in my ears like bats being awoken. My heart is split into a thousand pieces like shattered glass. Within my body crumbles in excruciating pain from running, running miles and miles to end up right back where I started.
Do I protect my heart from being crushed more times than I can handle and let go?
Or do I continue being treated like I’m not even part of your life?
Either way it’s going to break my heart, but if I let go then maybe I won’t keep getting my hopes up.
Maybe I will realise I’m worth more than how you treat me
This whole year I’ve seen you 3 times.
When will you start acting like … or maybe I’m just dreaming of that happening.
Letting go of being part of your life would start so much grief and trouble that I’ve been doubting it for months. But each time you let me down it gives me more and more reasons to let go…
Each time you give me a reason to believe you don’t deserve me
You don’t deserve me constantly trying to be a apart of your life
You don’t deserve me at all
Hell did you even want me?
Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve done. What you’ve lost. Who you’ve lost.
I get treated like crap because what I’m trying to better myself and not feel like I’m worthless and a piece of shit. Yet people are constantly proving me wrong and showing me I am worthless. And then when I treat them the way they treat me they don’t like it and I get even more shit for it.
I’m constantly saying sorry even though I’m not in the wrong.
Well I’m fucking sorry my depression is getting worse, I’m sorry that my anxiety is pretty fucking high most days. Im sorry I have paranoia. I’m not healthy due to allergic. I’m sorry I constantly want to not be here because people make me feel this way. I’m sorry I have so many different emotions yet all I show is anger because that’s all I know, because it over takes the happy days, the days where I feel that I am worth something before someone takes me down proving I’m worthless
Found a jar of peanut butter hidden. I’m allergic to mostly all nuts so having anything with nuts in isn’t allowed, due to how bad my allergies are to them. Which is why it was hidden in a place I wouldn’t really look.
All that was running through my head was how if I ate it when no one was around that no one would be able to save me.
How badly I wanted to just end my existence and stop the thoughts in my head. The constant struggle of my life and how I don’t want to be here anymore.
The constant worry that I’m not good enough, the thoughts and flash backs of things I don’t really want to remember. The way I can’t feel anything, how I try to love my hardest to the people who constantly show me that I’m putting in all the effort and watching them laugh at me as they sit back and completely forget I’m even alive.
They should notice, they should care. They should be here standing by my side. Yet they treat me like I’m nothing, just as always. I got treated like that in school but I never thought these people would treat me this way. I constantly worry that I’ll never be good enough to be in their lives.
I want to need this misery that I call my life, I want to end the pain, the struggle, the worth that I don’t have
I started blogging back in October 2016 because writing down my feelings was better than talking to someone, I guess I felt like I had no one to talk to.
It’s hard to talk about what’s going on inside your head when maybe I can’t explain it because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I wake up everyday tired and not wanting to get up but somehow something makes me want to.
Recently I’ve been find it difficult as if things have been getting worse and well they have, like sleeping is getting harder, the nightmares getting worse, my feelings are mixed and I generally don’t like life right now. People saying stuff about me and to me which has no meaning other than to make me feel even worse about myself.
Which people don’t need to do because I do that fine just by myself. Anxiety is through the roof like I can’t bare it. Constantly feeling like I’m worthless because after all everyone I have loved or do love leaves. Like am I that bad?
Am I that bad to love?
In my head it’s all my fault, everything, all the time. I’ve felt this way for so long that I just kind of started to believe it.
I do believe it.
One wish in this entire world would be for me to be where I want to be and not have to have suffered through all my learning difficulties or allergies
That’s my only fear is that I fear myself
She ran, and ran.
Approaching the house.
She stopped, stood still.
The front door opened.
Walked in, fear in her eyes.
Panic on her face.
Eyes peering from side to side.
From door to door.
None would open.
Except one, at the end.
She pushed it with force.
A dark gloomy room.
A chair with a spot light.
She crept in.
The cold breeze touched her skin.
She shivered. Lips trembling. Hands shaking.
BANG! The door closed.
The light goes out.