When will you realise

Do I protect my heart from being crushed more times than I can handle and let go?

Or do I continue being treated like I’m not even your daughter?

Either way it’s going to break my heart, but if I let go then maybe I won’t keep getting my hopes up.

Maybe I will realise I’m worth more than how you treat me

This whole year I’ve seen you 3 times.

When will you start acting like my dad… or maybe I’m just dreaming of that happening.

Letting go of being your daughter would start so much grief and trouble that I’ve been doubting it for months. But each time you let me down it gives me more and more reasons to let go…

Each time you give me a reason to believe you don’t deserve me as your daughter

You don’t deserve me constantly trying to be a apart of your life

You don’t deserve me at all

Hell did you even want me?

When will you realise?

Maybe I should let go

Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve done. What you’ve lost. Who you’ve lost.

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Constantly saying sorry

I get treated like crap because what I’m trying to better myself and not feel like I’m worthless and a piece of shit. Yet people are constantly proving me wrong and showing me I am worthless. And then when I treat them the way they treat me they don’t like it and I get even more shit for it.

I’m constantly saying sorry even though I’m not in the wrong.

Well I’m fucking sorry my depression is getting worse, I’m sorry that my anxiety is pretty fucking high most days. Im sorry I have paranoia. I’m not healthy due to allergic. I’m sorry I constantly want to not be here because people make me feel this way. I’m sorry I have so many different emotions yet all I show is anger because that’s all I know, because it over takes the happy days, the days where I feel that I am worth something before someone takes me down proving I’m worthless

Misery that I call my existence

Found a jar of peanut butter hidden. I’m allergic to mostly all nuts so having anything with nuts in isn’t allowed, due to how bad my allergies are to them. Which is why it was hidden in a place I wouldn’t really look.

All that was running through my head was how if I ate it when no one was around that no one would be able to save me.

How badly I wanted to just end my existence and stop the thoughts in my head. The constant struggle of my life and how I don’t want to be here anymore.

The constant worry that I’m not good enough, the thoughts and flash backs of things I don’t really want to remember. The way I can’t feel anything, how I try to love my hardest to the people who constantly show me that I’m putting in all the effort and watching them laugh at me as they sit back and completely forget I’m even alive.

They should notice, they should care. They should be here standing by my side. Yet they treat me like I’m nothing, just as always. I got treated like that in school but I never thought these people would treat me this way. I constantly worry that I’ll never be good enough to be in their lives.

I want to need this misery that I call my life, I want to end the pain, the struggle, the worth that I don’t have

It’s hard, always hard.

I started blogging back in October 2016 because writing down my feelings was better than talking to someone, I guess I felt like I had no one to talk to.

It’s hard to talk about what’s going on inside your head when maybe I can’t explain it because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I wake up everyday tired and not wanting to get up but somehow something makes me want to.

Recently I’ve been find it difficult as if things have been getting worse and well they have, like sleeping is getting harder, the nightmares getting worse, my feelings are mixed and I generally don’t like life right now. People saying stuff about me and to me which has no meaning other than to make me feel even worse about myself.

Which people don’t need to do because I do that fine just by myself. Anxiety is through the roof like I can’t bare it. Constantly feeling like I’m worthless because after all everyone I have loved or do love leaves. Like am I that bad?

Am I that bad to love?

In my head it’s all my fault, everything, all the time. I’ve felt this way for so long that I just kind of started to believe it.

I do believe it.

One wish in this entire world would be for me to be where I want to be and not have to have suffered through all my learning difficulties or allergies

That’s my only fear is that I fear myself

You broke my heart..

The thought of letting go of all the hurt that I feel, how i’m breaking inside because of you! The thought of losing you, never seeing you again or even speaking to you.

Why should i feel like this after everything that you’ve put me through?

Because i actually care about you, because you once were everything to me and now..

Now it feels you’re turning into a small space at the back of my head, all our memories. pushing them to the back of my mind so i can move on except i don’t want to move on because of who you are..

Except to everyone you’re the innocent victim and i’m the bad guy, the one not there, distancing myself away for “no apparent reason” yet i don’t seem to recall you being there when i need you the most.

You ran away, you left, you broke my heart.. a long time ago..

Trapped

He ran, and ran.

Approaching the house.

He stopped, stood still.

The front door opened.

Walked in, fear in his eyes.

Panic on his face.

Doors everywhere.

Eyes peering from side to side.

From door to door.

None would open.

Except one, at the end.

He pushed it with force.

A dark gloomy room.

A chair with a spot light.

He crept in.

The cold breeze touched his skin.

He shivered. Lips trembling. Hands shaking.

BANG! The door closed.

Locked shut.

The light goes out.

He’s trapped.

Forever.