My forever pup

Now you’re our angel watching us from above instead of watching us eat our food from the living room floor.

17.09.11, The day you came to us was a day I’ll never forget. I saw something wriggling on mums lap, I asked her if it was a cat. She laughed at me, I walked closer to find your little face buried in the blanket of my mother’s arms. You were this tiny little pup, cute as ever. And you became our world. We taught you so many little things, but the one thing you did not do was bark. We never understood why, but you were still perfect to us. You’re life in our home was adventure, you had so many people come and play with you, you loved every toy you got. You ripped the stuffing out of all the ones you could. And you loved going on walks especially to the park or the woodland area around where we lived. You would snuggle into anywhere you could fit and you loved being snuggled up to your family. You never did really sleep in your bed, you always sneaked into everyone else’s instead. Walking up to you laying beside me or at the bottom of the bed. You use to crawl up and just flop next to me, and roll over as much as you could. You were such a snuggly little pup. You loved getting attention.

I remember the day you first barked, we were all so shocked. As you grew you always barked at the postman/women, really you barked at anyone you could, even a car going past. You knew when we were upset, you would come and trying to cuddle up to show that you were there, you knew when we were sick and you knew when we were happy.

You were my favourite dog and the only dog that took a piece of my heart, I love you with everything I have.

We moved house, and You started getting sick but we couldn’t really figure out why, the vets couldn’t find anything. Unfortunately Christmas Day 2019 was the day you grew your wings and learnt how to fly. Unfortunately that was the day god decided to take our angel away. You served this family well princess, you’re were our little warrior. 8 years of loving fun with you. You’ll always have a piece of my heart, you’ll always be my forever pup

Madness of my mind

A heart that always understands, also gets tired. There are moments when I’m tired and all of a sudden I’m not the sleepy kind of tired, It’s like the world has drained me for everything I had. I am strong but I am tired.

I’m tired of feeling unworthy. I’m tired of feeling ugly.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have many people around me.

I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of feeling unloved.

I’m tired of pretending I’m happy, when all I do is cry, I guess you could say I’m tired of trying to be stronger than I am because what doesn’t kill you, fucks you up mentally. Tears are words that the heart can’t speak. It’s like some days I feel like my batteries are running low and other days they are dead completely.

I’m somewhere between i should give up and and let’s see how much more I can take. I haven’t given up yet, maybe there’s some logical reason that I haven’t. Maybe in the end all the tiredness will be worth it.

 

Erratic Emotions

My eyes itch from crying, My body feels like dying,

My heart keeps on trying, My mind thinks I’m lying,

I wish I could keep flying, It’s all about timing,

What am I Implying, Maybe I should keep fake smiling,

I know It’s horrifying, maybe even terrifying,

I’m always sighing, It’ll be justifying,

Also clarifying, The reason I’m always fighting,

Don’t worry I’m gonna keep shining, because I’m rising,

It’s so glorifying.

you, me and a few text messages

Did he really mean what he said? Did he really see there being an “us”? Why did he go so soon?

These questions roaming my mind, getting jealous before I can even officially call him mine. Catching feelings not knowing if it was mutual. A day in you’re arms was all I thought about.

See the thing is you expressed your feelings to me too quickly before you turned your back. Little did you know I already had, still do have feelings for you. But after a while replies becomes longer, minutes turned into hours. Finding out that your “busy” is taking your attention to someone else. While I sit there and wait for that reply, someone else already has it. Mean while I’m fading away, and that girl is getting your attention.

There was never going to be an “us” was there?

There was just you, me and a few text messages.

You left me

You left me enough to not want me anymore. You left me enough to not want to feel my arms wrapped you. Enough for you not to want to feel my soft pink lips against yours. You left me enough to not want to spend every weekend waking up to seeing my baby blue eyes and my thick long blonde hair. For me to wake up next to you to see your big smile and slim body. Your brown hair and the way your voice sounds with that sleepy american accent.

Yet… After a year and a half you came back. Why?

 

Never Ending…

Ever wondered what it would be like to be in a never ending maze?

That’s the best way to describe my mind as if I’m stuck repeating the same mistakes everyday. Wherever I’ve been, where ever I am, the loudness constantly screeches in my ears like bats being awoken. My heart is split into a thousand pieces like shattered glass. Within my body crumbles in excruciating pain from running, running miles and miles to end up right back where I started.

 

A Confession Of Love

This is me.. confessing that I am still in love with you.

I hope you think of me. I hope you think of the stainless steel ring pierced in my nose and the brown arch shape of my eyebrows. I hope you think of my beating chest against your body as i breathed for you. It was all for you. I hope you think of my baby blue eyes lighting up as i smiled when i looked at you. And i hope you realise you’ll never see me smile at you again.

I hope it hurts.

I hope each letter of my name are written in black ink on your pulsing heart. And I hope the next person you “fall in love” with sees the marks I left on you. Oh it may not have been good but my goodness it is permanent. I hope their name feels out of place coming off the end of your pink tongue because you were so used to saying my name.

You see, from the very beginning of you walking to my door I wanted to inscribe myself into you. I wanted to insert my signature with gold lettering so it’s forever. I wanted it to look pretty but we were over so fast I had to scratch it into your back with my fingers. I still have our memories encrusted in my mind, every night and every day the thoughts of you and I are that, we are now strangers so all I have left are the the memories of who we were. Who you were when we were together, like I have the shreds of our printed out pictures that I couldn’t quite throw out.

I hope you haven’t let go of me just yet, please don’t tell me if you have. I hope you think of me, because if i’m honest all i do is think about it you

 

 

Do I love you?

Being with you was an amazing time in my life, being able to see you smile as i walk hand in hand with you. The love between us, kept us connected. With music in our ears we danced the night away even if people watched, we didn’t care. Looking at each other, my eyes locked on yours we danced. When i looked at you, all I felt was butterflies. All I felt was love for you and how strong it was. You are on my mind 24/7 without a doubt, all I think about.

There’s only one problem…

You aren’t mine anymore.

Do I still love you?

Yes I do.

 

Deep Love

Relationship come and go. We got so close, we had the best memories of our lives together. We lived together, shared together, cried together, but most of all some of us fell in too deep with each other. There’s a bond so sentimental that made you who you were when you were with them.

You met each other, became inseparable but for some reason that wasn’t enough. Trying to explain what it is like to feel the way you feel, but nobody really understands because you can’t come up with the words to describe it. You keep it to yourself, bottled up. Because the truth be told all you ever do is think about that person and trust them when they say that is the person they think about.

It’s this deep love for that person, most people don’t understand that you’ll never stop loving them. Because you won’t, ever. They’ll always be apart of your heart, your life.

When will you realise

Do I protect my heart from being crushed more times than I can handle and let go?

Or do I continue being treated like I’m not even part of your life?

Either way it’s going to break my heart, but if I let go then maybe I won’t keep getting my hopes up.

Maybe I will realise I’m worth more than how you treat me

This whole year I’ve seen you 3 times.

When will you start acting like … or maybe I’m just dreaming of that happening.

Letting go of being part of your life would start so much grief and trouble that I’ve been doubting it for months. But each time you let me down it gives me more and more reasons to let go…

Each time you give me a reason to believe you don’t deserve me

You don’t deserve me constantly trying to be a apart of your life

You don’t deserve me at all

Hell did you even want me?

Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve done. What you’ve lost. Who you’ve lost.