Nervous yet scared

I’m nervous yet scared that it will all go bad and you’ll leave for good. But I’m relieved that you may still care. But I’m scared that you don’t care enough.

I sit in silence because I’d rather keep my feelings in my mind than telling anyone that I’m hurting, that I can’t sleep because of the feelings that you made me feel, the sleepless nights of nightmares and memories. I cry because I want you in my life. I want you by my side every step of the way.

I try and try to be apart of your life but you’re doing good without me, you always have done and you always will do. You’ve got the people you need, but yet where does that leave me standing?

When your name pops up on my phone my heart beats a million times faster than it should, I fear that it’ll be something I don’t want to read but I’m alway waiting for it to be you saying you want to be in my life.

You’re suppose to be in my life, but not like this

It’s hard, always hard.

I started blogging back in October 2016 because writing down my feelings was better than talking to someone, I guess I felt like I had no one to talk to.

It’s hard to talk about what’s going on inside your head when maybe I can’t explain it because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I wake up everyday tired and not wanting to get up but somehow something makes me want to.

Recently I’ve been find it difficult as if things have been getting worse and well they have, like sleeping is getting harder, the nightmares getting worse, my feelings are mixed and I generally don’t like life right now. People saying stuff about me and to me which has no meaning other than to make me feel even worse about myself.

Which people don’t need to do because I do that fine just by myself. Anxiety is through the roof like I can’t bare it. Constantly feeling like I’m worthless because after all everyone I have loved or do love leaves. Like am I that bad?

Am I that bad to love?

In my head it’s all my fault, everything, all the time. I’ve felt this way for so long that I just kind of started to believe it.

I do believe it.

One wish in this entire world would be for me to be where I want to be and not have to have suffered through all my learning difficulties or allergies

That’s my only fear is that I fear myself

The feeling

It will never go away,

That feeling of wanting to run,

That feeling of heartache,

That feeling of being worthless,

Because little does everyone know,

I’m breaking inside,

The feeling that I’m worthless,

The heartache,

Wanting to run,

I’ve tried,

I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece.

Underneath it all, I still have that hole inside,

I just need a little more time.

 

 

Trapped

She ran, and ran.

Approaching the house.

She stopped, stood still.

The front door opened.

Walked in, fear in her eyes.

Panic on her face.

Doors everywhere.

Eyes peering from side to side.

From door to door.

None would open.

Except one, at the end.

She pushed it with force.

A dark gloomy room.

A chair with a spot light.

She crept in.

The cold breeze touched her skin.

She shivered. Lips trembling. Hands shaking.

BANG! The door closed.

Locked shut.

The light goes out.

Shee’s trapped.

Forever.