Do I love you?

Being with you was an amazing time in my life, being able to see you smile as i walk hand in hand with you. The love between us, kept us connected. With music in our ears we danced the night away even if people watched, we didn’t care. Looking at each other, my eyes locked on yours we danced. When i looked at you, all I felt was butterflies. All I felt was love for you and how strong it was. You are on my mind 24/7 without a doubt, all I think about.

There’s only one problem…

You aren’t my anymore.

Do I love you?

Yes I do, I love who you were when you were with me but I’m broken and your okay? You broke me more than I thought you would. More than I thought you could.

 

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Deep Love

Relationship come and go. We got so close, we had the best memories of our lives together. We lived together, shared together, cried together, but most of all some of us fell in too deep with each other. There’s a bond so sentimental that made you who you were when you were with them.

You met each other, became inseparable but for some reason that wasn’t enough. Trying to explain what it is like to feel the way you feel, but nobody really understands because you can’t come up with the words to describe it. You keep it to yourself, bottled up. Because the truth be told all you ever do is think about that person and trust them when they say that is the person they think about.

It’s this deep love for that person, most people don’t understand that you’ll never stop loving them. Because you won’t, ever. They’ll always be apart of your heart, your life.

He broke me

Everyday I constantly think of him and the things that happened. He never leaves my mind and not in a good way.

I can’t get over it, over us, over him!

Will anyone ever compare to him?

Am I afraid to feel for someone else?

Am I afraid they won’t ever compare to him?

Am I ever going to move on?

I’m afraid that I won’t move on from him, from what we were, from who he is to me. He is everything compared everyone else I’ve been with.

He was my first ever love in more ways than one.

I’m afraid to love again because of what he put me through, I’m afraid to love because he ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to piece. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

I’m not good enough…

I was never be good enough…

I will never be good enough!

When will you realise

Do I protect my heart from being crushed more times than I can handle and let go?

Or do I continue being treated like I’m not even your daughter?

Either way it’s going to break my heart, but if I let go then maybe I won’t keep getting my hopes up.

Maybe I will realise I’m worth more than how you treat me

This whole year I’ve seen you 3 times.

When will you start acting like my dad… or maybe I’m just dreaming of that happening.

Letting go of being your daughter would start so much grief and trouble that I’ve been doubting it for months. But each time you let me down it gives me more and more reasons to let go…

Each time you give me a reason to believe you don’t deserve me as your daughter

You don’t deserve me constantly trying to be a apart of your life

You don’t deserve me at all

Hell did you even want me?

When will you realise?

Maybe I should let go

Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve done. What you’ve lost. Who you’ve lost.

Constantly saying sorry

I get treated like crap because what I’m trying to better myself and not feel like I’m worthless and a piece of shit. Yet people are constantly proving me wrong and showing me I am worthless. And then when I treat them the way they treat me they don’t like it and I get even more shit for it.

I’m constantly saying sorry even though I’m not in the wrong.

Well I’m fucking sorry my depression is getting worse, I’m sorry that my anxiety is pretty fucking high most days. Im sorry I have paranoia. I’m not healthy due to allergic. I’m sorry I constantly want to not be here because people make me feel this way. I’m sorry I have so many different emotions yet all I show is anger because that’s all I know, because it over takes the happy days, the days where I feel that I am worth something before someone takes me down proving I’m worthless

Misery that I call my existence

Found a jar of peanut butter hidden. I’m allergic to mostly all nuts so having anything with nuts in isn’t allowed, due to how bad my allergies are to them. Which is why it was hidden in a place I wouldn’t really look.

All that was running through my head was how if I ate it when no one was around that no one would be able to save me.

How badly I wanted to just end my existence and stop the thoughts in my head. The constant struggle of my life and how I don’t want to be here anymore.

The constant worry that I’m not good enough, the thoughts and flash backs of things I don’t really want to remember. The way I can’t feel anything, how I try to love my hardest to the people who constantly show me that I’m putting in all the effort and watching them laugh at me as they sit back and completely forget I’m even alive.

They should notice, they should care. They should be here standing by my side. Yet they treat me like I’m nothing, just as always. I got treated like that in school but I never thought these people would treat me this way. I constantly worry that I’ll never be good enough to be in their lives.

I want to need this misery that I call my life, I want to end the pain, the struggle, the worth that I don’t have

Nervous yet scared

I’m nervous yet scared that it will all go bad and you’ll leave for good. But I’m relieved that you may still care. But I’m scared that you don’t care enough.

I sit in silence because I’d rather keep my feelings in my mind than telling anyone that I’m hurting, that I can’t sleep because of the feelings that you made me feel, the sleepless nights of nightmares and memories. I cry because I want you in my life. I want you by my side every step of the way.

I try and try to be apart of your life but you’re doing good without me, you always have done and you always will do. You’ve got the people you need, but yet where does that leave me standing?

When your name pops up on my phone my heart beats a million times faster than it should, I fear that it’ll be something I don’t want to read but I’m alway waiting for it to be you saying you want to be in my life.

You’re suppose to be in my life, but not like this