Nervous yet scared

I’m nervous yet scared that it will all go bad and you’ll leave for good. But I’m relieved that you may still care. But I’m scared that you don’t care enough.

I sit in silence because I’d rather keep my feelings in my mind than telling anyone that I’m hurting, that I can’t sleep because of the feelings that you made me feel, the sleepless nights of nightmares and memories. I cry because I want you in my life. I want you by my side every step of the way.

I try and try to be apart of your life but you’re doing good without me, you always have done and you always will do. You’ve got the people you need, but yet where does that leave me standing?

When your name pops up on my phone my heart beats a million times faster than it should, I fear that it’ll be something I don’t want to read but I’m alway waiting for it to be you saying you want to be in my life.

You’re suppose to be in my life, but not like this

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It’s hard, always hard.

I started blogging back in October 2016 because writing down my feelings was better than talking to someone, I guess I felt like I had no one to talk to.

It’s hard to talk about what’s going on inside your head when maybe I can’t explain it because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I wake up everyday tired and not wanting to get up but somehow something makes me want to.

Recently I’ve been find it difficult as if things have been getting worse and well they have, like sleeping is getting harder, the nightmares getting worse, my feelings are mixed and I generally don’t like life right now. People saying stuff about me and to me which has no meaning other than to make me feel even worse about myself.

Which people don’t need to do because I do that fine just by myself. Anxiety is through the roof like I can’t bare it. Constantly feeling like I’m worthless because after all everyone I have loved or do love leaves. Like am I that bad?

Am I that bad to love?

In my head it’s all my fault, everything, all the time. I’ve felt this way for so long that I just kind of started to believe it.

I do believe it.

One wish in this entire world would be for me to be where I want to be and not have to have suffered through all my learning difficulties or allergies

That’s my only fear is that I fear myself

Crystal Clear

The way I feel about him is crystal clear. 

Truthfully, I could talk about him all day and all night. I would still have a million more things to say about him. Sometimes words can become meaningless so these few words are, he is the most amazing person

I have ever met, I can not imagine my life without him.

He is the first person to make me smile in a while.

And it’s actually real.

He is my first and last thought of ever day.

See the thing is I don’t sleep so I have conversations with the moon. He talks about the sun and I, well I talk about him.

The way his baby blue eyes c

onnect with mine. The way he moves the hair from my face with one hand as the other runs up and down my back. The way he smiles, like holy mother of god. Could he be anymore adorable.

The love I feel for him is indescribable.

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Starting my dream

Things are looking up..

With starting my third year at college doing the best thing i know how to do. Production arts isn’t just about learning what is back stage and how they do it. It’s so much more than that..

You aren’t just friends in class, you form this big family who side by side compose this amazing staging, sound, lighting and audiovisual for all the performers for their show. It’s like watching it all come together piece by piece.

It’s amazing to see how much you can accomplish in a short period of time. And how many people are there with you doing what you love even if it’s in a different area of the Production Arts team

Here’s to many more show times of laughter and productivity

You broke my heart..

The thought of letting go of all the hurt that I feel, how i’m breaking inside because of you! The thought of losing you, never seeing you again or even speaking to you.

Why should i feel like this after everything that you’ve put me through?

Because i actually care about you, because you once were everything to me and now..

Now it feels you’re turning into a small space at the back of my head, all our memories. pushing them to the back of my mind so i can move on except i don’t want to move on because of who you are..

Except to everyone you’re the innocent victim and i’m the bad guy, the one not there, distancing myself away for “no apparent reason” yet i don’t seem to recall you being there when i need you the most.

You ran away, you left, you broke my heart.. a long time ago..

Just think

Ever looked at someone and thought so much about them?

The way they look at you. The way they smile. The way they have their hair. How they move, walk, talk. Everything you see matters because you may see that person on a daily basis but you have no idea what else is going on around the walls they guard themselves with.

People are afraid of what others thing everyday which is why so many people have built walls to protect themselves so people don’t know what they go through or are going through. Many people are going through something so hard to explain to someone who has everyday right in front of them.

To the people who have a good life and aren’t going through tremendous amounts of life problems causing them to hurt, to be angry at the world for everything they are going through, think about what you say. Some days when you are flaunting your life about how good it is, how you get what you want without working for it. Try thinking about how other people who are going through a tough time have to work their arse’s off just to get a piece of what they want, because they aren’t as fortunate as you and don’t have it all. They are struggling on a daily basis without saying a word to anyone.

Just think about what you say before you know what goes on behind closed doors.